


What happens in the baths (stays in the baths)

by Slytora



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Don't copy to another site, I Don't Even Know, Is this even a ship??, M/M, Well it is now, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 15:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17164880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytora/pseuds/Slytora
Summary: Skurge needed to update King Odin All-Father. Instead he stumbled across a green-eyed surprise wrapped up in silk.





	What happens in the baths (stays in the baths)

**Author's Note:**

> This is so self-indulgent oml

 

Looking back, he shouldn't have barreled into the baths. 

It was King Odin, after all, he should have—oh, maybe had some tact. Waited. Done literally anything other than jog right in with the report on the tip of his tongue. Odin had probably sentenced people to _death _over lesser offenses. Certainly he didn’t want anyone seeing that pruned body in the baths anymore.__

__Skurge had been halfway through when he noticed the conspicuous lack of Odin's droning voice, the frizzy gray hair missing, and no glinting golden eyepatch._ _

__The first conclusion he leaped to was that he'd stumble into the wrong bathhouse and gave important information to the wrong person. A raven-haired woman, if he had to go off the back of their head._ _

__His second realization was that King Odin was going to fire him. That thought was so heartbreaking he nearly starting groveling right then and there. He loved his new position. He loved looking over the stars, and the gifts, and how people respected him, and the very passive aggressive revenge he could get on all the assholes who ever jilted him._ _

__Everything started to click into place when he realized the "woman" wasn't screaming at him. A pair of wide, incredulous green eyes blinked up at him. A pale, narrow face, flushed from the warmth of the water. It was a man and his hair flowed down his neck and shoulders in inky tendrils._ _

__"I am so sorry, sir," said Skurge, nearly in tears. "Please don't report me, sir, I don't want to lose my job."_ _

__The man opened his mouth, closed it. Then he finally said, "Well, the gig's finally up. Took you idiots long enough."_ _

__Skurge squinted at him, something nagging in the back of his head. Understanding dawn on him, starting out as a small noise in the distance that gradual grew into the roar of a tsunami. He had seen that face before, had seen it practically everywhere. There was a giant fucking statue erected in his honor, after all. It even had the gaudy bendy horns that Skurge always thought were a little tacky._ _

__Not that he was going to say that out loud in front of Prince Loki._ _

__"You're not—"_ _

__"I am not," said Prince Loki, smiling like the cat that caught the canary. He spread his arms out wide, water flinging over the brim of the bath. "Ta-dah. I'm not dead. You can arrest me now."_ _

__Arrest him? Why would he—_ _

__Oh. OH._ _

__"Yes," said Loki patiently. "I can see it working through your mind now. How do you even function?"_ _

__The prince insulted his intelligence, Skurge knew it on some base level, but he was too busy reeling over the fact Prince Loki—who wasn’t dead, by the way—was impersonating King Odin. And no one ever even noticed. Skurge wracked his brain, trying to pinpoint the paradigm shift in Odin’s behavior, but came up empty._ _

__Honestly, no one really cared, when they were lavished with raises and paid vacations and obligatory realm-wide parties. Loki had gotten Skurge a rather nice job, too._ _

__Loki was still rambling. Skurge couldn’t remember if Prince Loki had always been a rambler, but he was certainly one now._ _

__That was when Loki went to stand up in the baths—making Skurge yell out in protest, pulling a hand up to cover his eyes (even as his gaze glided down the graceful neck, the lily-white torso and slender arms and lingered on the spattering of freckles that were somehow just perfect). Then he realized Loki had a silken towel wrapped around his waist. Skurge refused to be disappointed._ _

__The toothy grin on Loki's face had diminished slightly._ _

__"Are you going to call the guards or what?" said Loki. "I've kept this guise up for three years. I'm starting to get tired of seeing a plump old man in the mirror, honestly."_ _

__Yes, well, when one was hiding a body like _that _, it was no wonder. That wasn’t the important part of the situation. Skurge yanked his eyes back up again. And again.___ _

____Was that a birthmark?_ _ _ _

____"If you're gone," Skurge blurted, "does that mean Heimdall will return?"_ _ _ _

____He could almost hear most of Asgard booing and tossing tomatoes at him for being complete and utter scum. At the moment, he didn't really care, because Prince Loki was almost naked in front of him and he was about to lose his job. Possibly._ _ _ _

____"I imagine so, yes," said Loki, frowning. "Why?"_ _ _ _

____"Ahem, if I may conclude my report, King Odin?" said Skurge._ _ _ _

____Loki blinked. He rubbed his silky hair from his eyes, pushed it back, Skurge's eyes chased after his long, slender fingers—_ _ _ _

____"It doesn't work that way," said Loki._ _ _ _

____"I believe my hard work taking care of those bandits has secured the area for the time being," said Skurge, pretending Loki wasn't staring at him in utter incredulity and that it was, in fact, King Odin standing there. In armor, fully clothed._ _ _ _

____Oh, Norns, the mental images. It was stuck in his head now._ _ _ _

____"And that concludes my report, my king," he said, standing all full attention._ _ _ _

____Loki had one hand against his waist, a move reminiscent of his late mother, Queen Frigga, while he leaned forward and squinted suspiciously at Skurge, as if expecting some sort of trick. Coming from the god of mischief, that was something indeed._ _ _ _

____"Will that be all?" said Skurge._ _ _ _

____"You know, you'd be rewarded for my capture," said Loki._ _ _ _

____It was as if he wanted to be relieved of the duty of being King. No more having to look after nine realms that were, essentially, a sack full of cats. When put that way, it was no wonder he was looking forward to being arrested. Even so, that was too damn bad. Skurge wanted to keep his job more than he wanted Loki to have a vacation._ _ _ _

____"Right now, your highness, I have all the realms at my fingertips," said Skurge. "I don't want a reward for your capture. I want to keep my job. All due respect."_ _ _ _

____There was no reply, Loki's jade-green eyes narrowing. Skurge remembered very suddenly that Loki was a powerful sorcerer and rather fond of stabbing people. It wasn't until Loki deflated with a huff that Skurge realized he was holding his breath, sucking in oxygen as subtly as he could, which only resulted in making him feel even more light-headed._ _ _ _

____As Skurge blinked away spots, Loki left the bath, dripping wet. A liquid-like flash of gold washed over him and a full set of clothes appeared. Damn, said the little voice in the back of Skurge's head that wouldn't just DIE already._ _ _ _

____With his green and black leathers back, Loki resembled more of the prince he was before the many fake deaths. And the statue._ _ _ _

____"You realize they will figure it out eventually, no?" said Loki softly, padding around Skurge like a circling vulture. "And guess who will sink with me?"_ _ _ _

____"All due respect—"_ _ _ _

____"Oh, would you stop with that?" said Loki impatiently. "It only works the first time."_ _ _ _

____Skurge opened his mouth, and then closed it._ _ _ _

____"Damn," he said._ _ _ _

____A warm, languid chuckle drifted through the air behind Skurge, raising the hairs on the back of his neck._ _ _ _

____"How about we, the two of us, strike a deal?" said Loki, slipping back into Skurge's field of vision. One hand braced his elbow, the other brushing along under his bottom lip thoughtfully, and if that wasn't distracting, nothing was._ _ _ _

____Skurge nodded blankly._ _ _ _

____"Our dear, _dear _Prince Thor will return to Asgard eventually," said Loki, smiling mirthlessly. "I would have you stall him in the Observatory and inform me first."___ _ _ _

______The water sloshed in the bathtub. A few bubbles popped. Skurge waited for something else. When Loki's eyebrows shot up, his lips pursing in another very impatient smile, he realized that was it._ _ _ _ _ _

______"That's all?" he said, then scrambled on. "I mean—yes, your highness. I agree. And I will keep my job."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Loki clapped his hands together, beaming brightly, and Skurge felt very small._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Very good! I knew calmer heads would prevail. Off you go, dear gatekeeper."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Skurge turned, his mouth suddenly very dry._ _ _ _ _ _

______"Oh, and one more thing," said Loki, bringing Skurge to a halt at the door. "You still have not said what you'll do when they learn the truth. And they _will _, you must know that. The truth will always out."___ _ _ _ _ _

________"I'm not worried, your highness," said Skurge in a croak, "you are a very convincing King Odin."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There was a challenging gleam in Prince Loki's eyes that Skurge didn't like. He booked it the hell out of the baths, before Loki could call him back for something inane. Once he was back at his post in the Observatory, he finally let himself relax, albeit slightly. Surely, nothing too bad could happen. Loki was an actor, after all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A theater was set up the following day. King Odin All-Father was seen in his bathrobe, eating grapes, singing along to _the Tragedy of Loki _and there was talk of Odin having finally gone mad. When the following week had "King Odin" skipping out on those pesky diplomatic meetings, the troops pulled from Vanaheim, Skurge knew he was well and truly doomed.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________("Can you take a look at this?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"I'm a gatekeeper, your highness, not a bloody doctor.")_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Gods help me I'm actually sort of shipping them now.


End file.
